Nightmares and Prayer

So the other night I had a nightmare.  And it was one of those nightmares that you wake up and don't even want to close your eyes again because you will see the images from it again...and again...and again.  I literally woke up gasping for breath and almost (but not quite) sobbing.  So I did what I always do when I wake up with a nightmare.  I woke up Jason and asked him to cuddle with me, since I feel safe in his arms (insert "awwwww" here).  The problem was, he was tired and it was around 2:30 in the morning.  So he did roll over and cuddle with me.  However, it only lasted about 5 minutes, and I was just getting to the point of being drowsy again, when he rolled back over and went back to sleep.  So I was left with no safe arms to fall asleep in and my crazy, mixed up, frightening dream on my mind still.

At that point in time I had two options.  The first options was that I could wake Jason back up and have him cuddle with me some more.  But I didn't want to do that.  I knew that my constant getting up and tossing and turning already made him not sleep well and waking him up twice just because I was scared seems a little selfish.  So I decided to take option two.  And the next morning I shook my head at my stupidity.  Option two should have been option one all along.  I prayed.

Now, it might seem a little weird to pray about a nightmare, but this isn't the first time that I've prayed for peace after a dream.  The first time was about 6 months or so after Alex passed away.  The dream was about Alex.  Basically, in my dream, I got a phone call from the hospital saying that Alex was back and perfectly healthy.  And they wanted us to go back to the hospital to spend a few nights with him before they sent him home.  When I got there, he was in a regular bed and was completely healed and was moving all over the bed while he slept.   I remember being upset at the nurses in my dream because they would check on him, walk out of the room, and leave the railing on his bed down.  And a couple of times, before I could get it put back up, he would come close to falling out of the bed.  I woke up from THAT dream and started crying because it was such a wonderful dream and such a nice feeling, knowing that my son was healthy.  But then to have it ripped away when I woke up...I knew that I would dwell on the dream and make myself upset.  So I simply asked God to give me peace from the dream.  And He did.  And I realized that through that dream, I was seeing Alex how he likely is in heaven (perfectly healthy and a typical little boy).

So the other night, my prayer, again, was simple.  "Lord give me peace from this dream.  Don't let me dwell on it and don't let me have it again."  Or something similar to that.  Within five minutes, I was back asleep and can not remember if I had anymore dreams that night.  And when I woke up in the morning and realized what had happened, I was grateful.  I also realized something that we Christians are told all along, but hasn't really hit me until then.  God is the only one who will never let you down.

Yes, Jason is a wonderful husband and tries very hard not to let me down, but he is human.  And humans can't help but be swayed by their own wants and needs...even if it is unconsciously.  No matter how many times you put your faith in a human being to never let you down, he or she will.  God is the only one who will NEVER let you down.

Does this mean that your life would be roses, chocolates, and feather beds if you come to Christ.  Not at all.  In fact the Bible says "I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me.  Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows.  But take heart, because I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)  You life will not be easy, but God gives us hope.  1 Corinthians 10:13 tells us "The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure."   And 1 Peter 5:10 shares a similar message, "In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation."  So even though we will suffer and have trials here on earth, God is faithful and steadfast.  He will hold you up when you need help and lift you up when you fall.

Next time you are feeling overwhelmed or in need of someone who won't let you down, try turning to God and praying.  He will answer and even if it isn't the answer you were looking for or hoping for, it would be the BEST answer to your problem.

A Very Special Happy Birthday

I miss you every day.  I always thought that this day would be special somehow, but I never imagined that it would be so sad.  Three years ago today, I was being prepped for an epidural, being told that more than likely I would have to have a c-section.  I was scared because we were told that it would best if you were born naturally, and I didn't really want to go have surgery.  However, Daddy reminded me that getting a c-section was best to protect YOU from putting any more strain on your heart.  At 9:00, I was taken back to the OR.

The anesthesiologist was great and helped to keep me calm, just like Daddy, on my other side, kept me calm.  I only felt some pulling and pressure, but I didn't feel any pain.  At 9:21, they pulled you out.  You were a grayish-blue color and your mouth was open, but no sound came out.  I was so sad.  I wanted to hold you so much and tell you that I loved you, but you were whisked away right away to the back so they could get you intubated and breathing.  It took about 10 minutes for them to get you stable and set up.  It was the scariest 10 minutes of my life.  I was so worried we were going to lose you right then.  Finally, they let Daddy go back and see you and he spent several minutes with you.

After I was sent to recovery, Mama Brosher and Grandma Jeanne came back to see me.  They both told me that I did a good job and they were excited there was another member to our family.  Then I went to my room I would spend the next several days in.  On our way from recovery to my new room, they wheeled me into the NICU.  I only saw you precious little foot that was stained black by the ink used to take your foot print.

My nurse that first day was really nice.  She was gentle and took care of me well.  About 9 hours after you were born, I decided it was time I went to see you, and I tried to get up.  I almost made it, but ended up having to lay back down because I got sick.  I almost started crying because I wanted to see you so bad.  I couldn't get that image of you being grayish-blue out of my head!  I told the nurse that I hadn't really seen you except for that one brief moment.  As I was resting, she went into the NICU and told the nurses there that I hadn't see you and couldn't get in to see you quite yet.  So the nurses took two pictures of you and I LOVED looking at them.

I was a little jealous that everyone was getting a chance to see you before I could, but I wouldn't trade Daddy being able to change his first diaper for anything.  I also knew that whatever happened from that moment on, you would ALWAYS have a special place in my heart and that I would always love you.

Happy Birthday, Little Guy.  I love you still.

Alexander Nicholas
November 24, 2008
9:21 am
5 lbs
21 in. long

Our decision to be Team Green

I should explain a little bit.  "Team Green" is a term that means that the parents will actively CHOOSE not to find out the gender of their unborn baby.  With the idea that they don't care about the gender of the child.  That being said, we never really "cared" about the gender of the child (we didn't want one gender over the other), but we wanted to know for a preparedness factor.

So, we wanted to know, until I started thinking about the fact that my doctor, due to some previous issues he has had in this area, will not tell the parents the gender unless it is OBVIOUS.  He will say what to look for on the screen, but he will NOT say his opinion on it.  What if this baby is not as obvious as Alex was.  Or if this little one is a girl, there is no way to be 100% sure with a girl (not like there is with a little boy).  Or...

The more I thought of the "or"s, the more stressed I became.  How on earth was I going to endure 20 more weeks (well...16 after my next appointment) with the "what if" statements running around in my head.  I already have TONS of those running around in my head as it is.

-What if...the doctor misses a birth defect?
-What if...there is a birth defect not detectable on the ultrasound?
-What if...we should have gone ahead with the amnio instead of just looking for birth defects.

And the list goes on.  I have so many "what if" thoughts, that it would probably fill up an entire notebook.  (Little known fact...."what if" thoughts breed more what if thoughts.  They are kind of like tribbles...they are born pregnant.)  I don't need another "what if" thought.

So I asked Jason today if he would be okay not finding out the gender until the baby is born.  I did warn him that we would need BOTH boy and girl names picked out (we have the hardest time coming up with girl names).  He agreed and so...here we are.

Now we are not completely Team Green.  Should the doctor get a good look and should it be obvious, we will find out, but I'm not going to ASK the doctor to look.  And I'm not going to stress about what Baby is.  Baby is my baby, and I will love him/her with all of my heart.  No matter the outcome.

Babymoons

So I was recently reading a post on a message board I've been getting on since I found out I'm pregnant about a "new" thing that first time (and sometimes second or third time) parents are doing before the mother starts to show too much.  It is called a Babymoon.

Some of you may be asking, "what on earth is a Babymoon?"  The idea is that the parents get one last hurrah before baby arrives.  They are living it up as a still childless couple.

Huh?!?  I don't get it.  Maybe I am in a minority because I believe that if you are mature enough to have a baby (even if the baby was unplanned, you should know that a baby is ALWAYS a possibility if you are intimate with someone), then you should step up and realize that you need to change.

I guess this is a deeper problem in our society that teaches us that having a baby doesn't change your life that much.  Have a baby?  That's okay...you can still go out and party with your friends.  I feel the same way about Babymoons as I do with those parents who have a baby, then go party every weekend while getting a babysitter or dropping the little one off at grandma and grandpa's.

I am NOT saying that parent's shouldn't get a babysitter every once in a while and go out for a date night.  To keep your marriage from becoming all about the kids, a husband and wife need that.  But if every weekend your child is at someone else's house ...there is something wrong with that.  (This is not taking into account the single parents or the extended families which are close enough that aunts and uncles are like grandparents.  Those are completely different situations.)

I guess what it comes down to is the INTENTION behind the action.  Why are you getting a babysitter every weekend?  Is it to work?  Then no problem.  Is it because you don't want to give up your fabulous social life you had before you had a child?  Go home and RAISE you child. 

Babymoon's on the other hand...I don't get at all.  Even if you want to go on vacation because you won't have money when baby gets here...um..save you money you would spend on your Babymoon and put it in a college fund.  Vacations are not a NECESSITY.  They are a PRIVILEGE.  I grew up not going on vacation, unless it was to grandma and grandpa's for the summer.  But you know what, I loved spending time with my grandparents more than I would have going on vacation somewhere and then not being able to visit them later. 

Wake up and grow up, people.  Having a baby DOES change your life.  It doesn't matter whether the baby was planned or not, that is still a baby that is DEPENDING on you for their life.

What do you do?

What do you do when your world comes crashing down around your ears?  Do you hide your head in the rubble or do you pick yourself off, dust your clothes, and start rebuilding? 

I have found those who do the first tend to be those who lean too heavily on their own ability to handle things.  And when it gets bad, they hide from the world because they can not imagine having to pull themselves out of the mess, whether it was of their own making or not.  I will admit...I was a hide-my-head person until September of 08.  Then Jesus got a hold of my heart and he hasn't let go since.  When things would go bad, I would hide and then get depressed.  I couldn't imagine how my life could be turned around.

Which brings me to the second type of person.  I have found that if you believe in Jesus, you are able to move past a collapse of your life, dreams, or aspirations because YOU are not in control.  You know that Jesus will never leave you (Matthew28:20b) and so it is easier to see how to rebuild, knowing that you are not doing it on your own.  I have been a person to move though the destruction since I came to Christ.

Does this mean that I'm never "down in the dumps" or that I never try to do things on my own?  Of course not.  It is human nature to want to "do-it-ourselves".  But the big things...Alex's medical problems, all of his surgeries, and his death...I'm able to make it through.  And I'm not the one who is strong.  "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." (Phillippians 4:13)

It is not easy, but following Christ was never meant to be easy.  It is hard to give up everything to Him...our hopes, dreams, and aspirations as well as the hurt, pain, anger, and depression.  And I'm not perfect at it.  I still struggle with giving my infertility to God...as well as my fears of "what if..."  But I am trying.  And I know that when tragedy strikes again, and it will, I will be able to lean on Jesus and let him carry me through it so that I can start rebuilding on the other side.

Mother's Day...for ALL mothers

Mother's day is a day that we celebrate  those who have given birth.  But it seems to be a stigma in our society that we only celebrate those women who have LIVING children.

Now I don't know how most women who have lost a child feel.  After all, this is something that is individual to each and every woman who has at the misfortune of going through losing a child.  However, my own experience has shown me that  mother's who have lost children do not even get thought about on Mother's Day.  And for me...it is devastating. 

I already struggle with my identity as a mother.  I had Alex for such a short amount of time and he was never "home".  I never solely took care of him...I was always surrounded by nurses and doctors that I knew, if I wasn't there, they would care for him.  Yes, I gave birth to him, but as anyone who has adopted knows, giving birth does not a mother make.

In my mind, I KNOW I was a mother to Alex.  More importantly, I was his Mommy.  Unfortunately, my heart doesn't always agree.  And it is harder when holidays like Mother's Day come and go with no one wishing ME a Happy Mother's Day.  This makes my identity struggle even harder. 

As I said before, I don't know how others who have no living children feel about this, but if you know them well.  If you know how they feel about their loss and you know that something as simple as a Happy Mother's Day won't make their pain greater, but instead would make them feel like a mother, don't hold back.  Tell them Happy Mother's Day.  Let them know with those three little words that they are indeed a mother.

Not all about me.

Weird title for a blog, huh?

I was going to sit down and blog about how my feelings were hurt today by someone I really care about (not DH).  But, as I usually do, I read through all the recent posts of those blogs I am "following"  And what should I read, but that one of the blogs that deals with a baby who was born early and is in the NICU isn't doing well.  Then I read about another baby who has cancer and also now RSV.

WHOA.  Let's put the breaks on, Jill.  Let's look at this rationally, because obviously everything is not all about you.  You've been in similar situations to these families.  So, for those of you reading my blog and are the praying types, please pray for Scarlett and Lucy.  That God heals them and that they become healthy little girls who grow up to be healthy young women.

Prayer works

Two Sundays ago I put in a prayer request for healing.  I've been having some problems directly related to my difficulty in getting pregnant.  I was/am confused and hurt and just generally beating myself up over this.  So I asked for healing.  Nothing specific, just healing for my issue that was at that moment.

Wouldn't you know, not three days later, the issue resolved itself.  In the first rush of relief that came from the resolution, I didn't realize what it meant.  Until I thought about the previous Sunday and what I had done.

At that moment, I closed my eyes and thanked God.  I'm not sure if the issue would have resolved itself without me putting in a prayer request.  Or if God gave me a little push to put in a prayer request so he could get the glory to heal me.  I just know that I put in a prayer for healing...and no more issue.

God is good.  He heals when we need it.  He gives us the push to ask for prayer when we need it.  It is still our choice, but if you follow Jesus, you try to follow the pushes and prods in our lives.  So when we do, we realized that God is in control and we just need to ask him for help.

Blah...just...blah.

I'm so tired.  I'm tired of being tired.  I'm tired of my body not working right.  I've tried to deny where all my problems stem from and I can no longer do so.  To do that would be denying that I am the problem...or at least my weight is.

I've tried to explain away my issues with my medicine not working like it did last time to any number of things, all the while thinking in the back of my mind "but it could be that I just gained too much weight".  And now...The medicine that was supposed to get me back on track didn't work.  I'm so upset that I could almost cry.  I'm more upset at myself than anything else.  I KNEW that my weight would be an issue, but I avoided mention of it and went on my own little way.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to handle this.  And I am dreading my call to my doctor.

Starting now, I'm on a mission.  I'm going to lose weight.  If I can at least get down to what I was when I got pregnant with Alex, it will help.  Of course, my goal is more.  If you lose 10% of your body weight, it helps PCOS considerably.  So...this is my goal.  It will NOT be easy (especially since FOOD is so social for me and my b-day is coming up), but I WILL persevere.  And as much as I HATE exercising, it HAS to be in the cards for me, or all of this is worthless.

Self-Sabotage

A friend posted on Facebook that she overcame self-sabotage last night.  Good for her.  I'm not being sarcastic or mean.  I really am happy she got past that.  I on the other hand, will probably never get over self-sabotage.

DH would probably say it is because of my low self-esteem.  Maybe it is.  But it seems like I can't go longer than a few weeks being myself without alienating all but a few.  Those few stick with me, for reasons I think only God knows.

This is how it usually goes.  I meet people (either in real life or online).  Everything goes great for a little bit.  I'm calm and don't show all of myself...keeping some of my crazier habits on the back burner.  Then, trying to be funny, or comforting, I let one of those crazier habits (like being TOO enthusiastic about something or asking people a question and it seems like I'm trying to draw attention to me...who knows...maybe I am) off the back burner and straight onto the table.  Not to the front burner, but to the table.  Burnt, cold, and unfinished as it is.  That is when they start falling away.  Some stick around.  And if I apologize fast enough, more do, but EVERY TIME I do this, I swear that I will not do it the next time.  That I will watch my tongue and my words.  That I will not make enemies of potential friends.

So you might say that if they are like that learning a few unsavory traits of mine, they wouldn't make true friends anyway.  Perhaps.  But I feel like they don't get a chance to really know me.  And if they did, bad traits or not, they would stick around.

Maybe I'm just having a rough day.  I don't know.  But I'm feeling so down in the dumps right now that I can't even begin to think "happy thoughts".  So for now, I'm going to tell myself what I always tell myself and try to move on.  But it won't be long before this will happen again.  It always does.

Introspection

As I read the comments on the blog written about the little 3 month old with a brain tumor, I think back to when I was writing in the CaringBridge journal about Alex's situation.  There was a comment posted on there that my mom called DH and had him remove it before I saw it.  My sister printed it off before it was deleted so I could see it if I wanted to.  I don't remember EXACTLY what was said, but it was something along the lines of, "if he is that sick, maybe it is better to let him die."  It made me furious.  But it also made me curious.  Who on earth would write something like that.  CaringBridge isn't like a regular blog creator.  You can search for random pages, but since they are about people who are sick, many of them have need for a password.  So...My conclusion was that it was someone that either knows DH and myself or it was someone that knows the family.

So as I'm reading the comments on the other blog, I'm thankful that I don't seem to see any comments like that there.  It also makes me wonder all over again, who would do that?  (I of course have my suspicions, but I'm not telling.)

God's plan

So the sermon today was titled Living the Dream.  It got me to thinking about what my dream is.  I do have many of them...have another baby, become a NICU nurse, publish a book.

As I was running through my list in my head during the sermon, I realized that the last one resonated with me.


Some Background

I've wanted to publish a book since I was (I believe) in second grade and I wrote a story for class.  I can't remember what got me started on it, but part of me feels it was something my dad said to me.  I do know that several years later, I made a comment on the "dark and stormy" day we were having, and my mom told me that I should become a writer.  Whatever spark I had before that time was ignited into a flame of passion and I've been dabbling in writing ever since.  I've never finished a full length book, but I have finished several short stories and one story that for all intents and purposes could very well be called a novella (it was over 10,000 words I believe). 

Though I've had several people tell me I should write children's books, I've never felt the passion for that as I have for writing adult or young adult fiction.  And, as my second grade teacher may have seen, I tend to lean towards the science fiction/fantasy genre of writing.

So where does that leave me?

Well, after we found out that Alex was going to have to spend time in the hospital (of course we didn't have a clue it would be his entire life), I looked for books.  I even went as far as having my cousin, who works for the hospital Alex was in, look in the hospital's library.  Did you know there are NO books out there about how to deal with an extended hospital stay?  For anyone?  I saw a niche that needed to be filled and decided early on after Alex was born that I needed to fill that.  I was uniquely suited and (not to be conceited but...) talented to fill it.  So I started writing down some ideas for the chapters.  And that is about as far as I got.

Until...

I read a blog written about a little girl who, at two months old, went into the hospital.  Her parents discovered she has a very rare brain tumor and they are fighting to save this little girl's life.  After reading some of the posts, I started feeling a fueling in my heart again.  And then today's sermon.  I think it is time to look at my ideas again and get working on them.

Unlike my dream to become an author so I could be famous, this dream is so much bigger and all encompassing.  If I write this book and it is published, I'm honoring Alex's memory and his struggles by helping other families.  To me, it would explain my talent of writing and why I've been so frustrated about being able to move anywhere with my ability.  So pray for my project and pray for me.  That I'm able to move forward and accomplish what I feel God is calling me to accomplish.