I miss you every day. I always thought that this day would be special somehow, but I never imagined that it would be so sad. Three years ago today, I was being prepped for an epidural, being told that more than likely I would have to have a c-section. I was scared because we were told that it would best if you were born naturally, and I didn't really want to go have surgery. However, Daddy reminded me that getting a c-section was best to protect YOU from putting any more strain on your heart. At 9:00, I was taken back to the OR.
The anesthesiologist was great and helped to keep me calm, just like Daddy, on my other side, kept me calm. I only felt some pulling and pressure, but I didn't feel any pain. At 9:21, they pulled you out. You were a grayish-blue color and your mouth was open, but no sound came out. I was so sad. I wanted to hold you so much and tell you that I loved you, but you were whisked away right away to the back so they could get you intubated and breathing. It took about 10 minutes for them to get you stable and set up. It was the scariest 10 minutes of my life. I was so worried we were going to lose you right then. Finally, they let Daddy go back and see you and he spent several minutes with you.
After I was sent to recovery, Mama Brosher and Grandma Jeanne came back to see me. They both told me that I did a good job and they were excited there was another member to our family. Then I went to my room I would spend the next several days in. On our way from recovery to my new room, they wheeled me into the NICU. I only saw you precious little foot that was stained black by the ink used to take your foot print.
My nurse that first day was really nice. She was gentle and took care of me well. About 9 hours after you were born, I decided it was time I went to see you, and I tried to get up. I almost made it, but ended up having to lay back down because I got sick. I almost started crying because I wanted to see you so bad. I couldn't get that image of you being grayish-blue out of my head! I told the nurse that I hadn't really seen you except for that one brief moment. As I was resting, she went into the NICU and told the nurses there that I hadn't see you and couldn't get in to see you quite yet. So the nurses took two pictures of you and I LOVED looking at them.
I was a little jealous that everyone was getting a chance to see you before I could, but I wouldn't trade Daddy being able to change his first diaper for anything. I also knew that whatever happened from that moment on, you would ALWAYS have a special place in my heart and that I would always love you.
Happy Birthday, Little Guy. I love you still.
Alexander Nicholas
November 24, 2008
9:21 am
5 lbs
21 in. long
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Our decision to be Team Green
I should explain a little bit. "Team Green" is a term that means that the parents will actively CHOOSE not to find out the gender of their unborn baby. With the idea that they don't care about the gender of the child. That being said, we never really "cared" about the gender of the child (we didn't want one gender over the other), but we wanted to know for a preparedness factor.
So, we wanted to know, until I started thinking about the fact that my doctor, due to some previous issues he has had in this area, will not tell the parents the gender unless it is OBVIOUS. He will say what to look for on the screen, but he will NOT say his opinion on it. What if this baby is not as obvious as Alex was. Or if this little one is a girl, there is no way to be 100% sure with a girl (not like there is with a little boy). Or...
The more I thought of the "or"s, the more stressed I became. How on earth was I going to endure 20 more weeks (well...16 after my next appointment) with the "what if" statements running around in my head. I already have TONS of those running around in my head as it is.
-What if...the doctor misses a birth defect?
-What if...there is a birth defect not detectable on the ultrasound?
-What if...we should have gone ahead with the amnio instead of just looking for birth defects.
And the list goes on. I have so many "what if" thoughts, that it would probably fill up an entire notebook. (Little known fact...."what if" thoughts breed more what if thoughts. They are kind of like tribbles...they are born pregnant.) I don't need another "what if" thought.
So I asked Jason today if he would be okay not finding out the gender until the baby is born. I did warn him that we would need BOTH boy and girl names picked out (we have the hardest time coming up with girl names). He agreed and so...here we are.
Now we are not completely Team Green. Should the doctor get a good look and should it be obvious, we will find out, but I'm not going to ASK the doctor to look. And I'm not going to stress about what Baby is. Baby is my baby, and I will love him/her with all of my heart. No matter the outcome.
So, we wanted to know, until I started thinking about the fact that my doctor, due to some previous issues he has had in this area, will not tell the parents the gender unless it is OBVIOUS. He will say what to look for on the screen, but he will NOT say his opinion on it. What if this baby is not as obvious as Alex was. Or if this little one is a girl, there is no way to be 100% sure with a girl (not like there is with a little boy). Or...
The more I thought of the "or"s, the more stressed I became. How on earth was I going to endure 20 more weeks (well...16 after my next appointment) with the "what if" statements running around in my head. I already have TONS of those running around in my head as it is.
-What if...the doctor misses a birth defect?
-What if...there is a birth defect not detectable on the ultrasound?
-What if...we should have gone ahead with the amnio instead of just looking for birth defects.
And the list goes on. I have so many "what if" thoughts, that it would probably fill up an entire notebook. (Little known fact...."what if" thoughts breed more what if thoughts. They are kind of like tribbles...they are born pregnant.) I don't need another "what if" thought.
So I asked Jason today if he would be okay not finding out the gender until the baby is born. I did warn him that we would need BOTH boy and girl names picked out (we have the hardest time coming up with girl names). He agreed and so...here we are.
Now we are not completely Team Green. Should the doctor get a good look and should it be obvious, we will find out, but I'm not going to ASK the doctor to look. And I'm not going to stress about what Baby is. Baby is my baby, and I will love him/her with all of my heart. No matter the outcome.
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