I'm so tired. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of my body not working right. I've tried to deny where all my problems stem from and I can no longer do so. To do that would be denying that I am the problem...or at least my weight is.
I've tried to explain away my issues with my medicine not working like it did last time to any number of things, all the while thinking in the back of my mind "but it could be that I just gained too much weight". And now...The medicine that was supposed to get me back on track didn't work. I'm so upset that I could almost cry. I'm more upset at myself than anything else. I KNEW that my weight would be an issue, but I avoided mention of it and went on my own little way. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle this. And I am dreading my call to my doctor.
Starting now, I'm on a mission. I'm going to lose weight. If I can at least get down to what I was when I got pregnant with Alex, it will help. Of course, my goal is more. If you lose 10% of your body weight, it helps PCOS considerably. So...this is my goal. It will NOT be easy (especially since FOOD is so social for me and my b-day is coming up), but I WILL persevere. And as much as I HATE exercising, it HAS to be in the cards for me, or all of this is worthless.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Self-Sabotage
A friend posted on Facebook that she overcame self-sabotage last night. Good for her. I'm not being sarcastic or mean. I really am happy she got past that. I on the other hand, will probably never get over self-sabotage.
DH would probably say it is because of my low self-esteem. Maybe it is. But it seems like I can't go longer than a few weeks being myself without alienating all but a few. Those few stick with me, for reasons I think only God knows.
This is how it usually goes. I meet people (either in real life or online). Everything goes great for a little bit. I'm calm and don't show all of myself...keeping some of my crazier habits on the back burner. Then, trying to be funny, or comforting, I let one of those crazier habits (like being TOO enthusiastic about something or asking people a question and it seems like I'm trying to draw attention to me...who knows...maybe I am) off the back burner and straight onto the table. Not to the front burner, but to the table. Burnt, cold, and unfinished as it is. That is when they start falling away. Some stick around. And if I apologize fast enough, more do, but EVERY TIME I do this, I swear that I will not do it the next time. That I will watch my tongue and my words. That I will not make enemies of potential friends.
So you might say that if they are like that learning a few unsavory traits of mine, they wouldn't make true friends anyway. Perhaps. But I feel like they don't get a chance to really know me. And if they did, bad traits or not, they would stick around.
Maybe I'm just having a rough day. I don't know. But I'm feeling so down in the dumps right now that I can't even begin to think "happy thoughts". So for now, I'm going to tell myself what I always tell myself and try to move on. But it won't be long before this will happen again. It always does.
DH would probably say it is because of my low self-esteem. Maybe it is. But it seems like I can't go longer than a few weeks being myself without alienating all but a few. Those few stick with me, for reasons I think only God knows.
This is how it usually goes. I meet people (either in real life or online). Everything goes great for a little bit. I'm calm and don't show all of myself...keeping some of my crazier habits on the back burner. Then, trying to be funny, or comforting, I let one of those crazier habits (like being TOO enthusiastic about something or asking people a question and it seems like I'm trying to draw attention to me...who knows...maybe I am) off the back burner and straight onto the table. Not to the front burner, but to the table. Burnt, cold, and unfinished as it is. That is when they start falling away. Some stick around. And if I apologize fast enough, more do, but EVERY TIME I do this, I swear that I will not do it the next time. That I will watch my tongue and my words. That I will not make enemies of potential friends.
So you might say that if they are like that learning a few unsavory traits of mine, they wouldn't make true friends anyway. Perhaps. But I feel like they don't get a chance to really know me. And if they did, bad traits or not, they would stick around.
Maybe I'm just having a rough day. I don't know. But I'm feeling so down in the dumps right now that I can't even begin to think "happy thoughts". So for now, I'm going to tell myself what I always tell myself and try to move on. But it won't be long before this will happen again. It always does.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Introspection
As I read the comments on the blog written about the little 3 month old with a brain tumor, I think back to when I was writing in the CaringBridge journal about Alex's situation. There was a comment posted on there that my mom called DH and had him remove it before I saw it. My sister printed it off before it was deleted so I could see it if I wanted to. I don't remember EXACTLY what was said, but it was something along the lines of, "if he is that sick, maybe it is better to let him die." It made me furious. But it also made me curious. Who on earth would write something like that. CaringBridge isn't like a regular blog creator. You can search for random pages, but since they are about people who are sick, many of them have need for a password. So...My conclusion was that it was someone that either knows DH and myself or it was someone that knows the family.
So as I'm reading the comments on the other blog, I'm thankful that I don't seem to see any comments like that there. It also makes me wonder all over again, who would do that? (I of course have my suspicions, but I'm not telling.)
So as I'm reading the comments on the other blog, I'm thankful that I don't seem to see any comments like that there. It also makes me wonder all over again, who would do that? (I of course have my suspicions, but I'm not telling.)
Sunday, January 9, 2011
God's plan
So the sermon today was titled Living the Dream. It got me to thinking about what my dream is. I do have many of them...have another baby, become a NICU nurse, publish a book.
As I was running through my list in my head during the sermon, I realized that the last one resonated with me.
Some Background
I've wanted to publish a book since I was (I believe) in second grade and I wrote a story for class. I can't remember what got me started on it, but part of me feels it was something my dad said to me. I do know that several years later, I made a comment on the "dark and stormy" day we were having, and my mom told me that I should become a writer. Whatever spark I had before that time was ignited into a flame of passion and I've been dabbling in writing ever since. I've never finished a full length book, but I have finished several short stories and one story that for all intents and purposes could very well be called a novella (it was over 10,000 words I believe).
Though I've had several people tell me I should write children's books, I've never felt the passion for that as I have for writing adult or young adult fiction. And, as my second grade teacher may have seen, I tend to lean towards the science fiction/fantasy genre of writing.
So where does that leave me?
Well, after we found out that Alex was going to have to spend time in the hospital (of course we didn't have a clue it would be his entire life), I looked for books. I even went as far as having my cousin, who works for the hospital Alex was in, look in the hospital's library. Did you know there are NO books out there about how to deal with an extended hospital stay? For anyone? I saw a niche that needed to be filled and decided early on after Alex was born that I needed to fill that. I was uniquely suited and (not to be conceited but...) talented to fill it. So I started writing down some ideas for the chapters. And that is about as far as I got.
Until...
I read a blog written about a little girl who, at two months old, went into the hospital. Her parents discovered she has a very rare brain tumor and they are fighting to save this little girl's life. After reading some of the posts, I started feeling a fueling in my heart again. And then today's sermon. I think it is time to look at my ideas again and get working on them.
Unlike my dream to become an author so I could be famous, this dream is so much bigger and all encompassing. If I write this book and it is published, I'm honoring Alex's memory and his struggles by helping other families. To me, it would explain my talent of writing and why I've been so frustrated about being able to move anywhere with my ability. So pray for my project and pray for me. That I'm able to move forward and accomplish what I feel God is calling me to accomplish.
As I was running through my list in my head during the sermon, I realized that the last one resonated with me.
Some Background
I've wanted to publish a book since I was (I believe) in second grade and I wrote a story for class. I can't remember what got me started on it, but part of me feels it was something my dad said to me. I do know that several years later, I made a comment on the "dark and stormy" day we were having, and my mom told me that I should become a writer. Whatever spark I had before that time was ignited into a flame of passion and I've been dabbling in writing ever since. I've never finished a full length book, but I have finished several short stories and one story that for all intents and purposes could very well be called a novella (it was over 10,000 words I believe).
Though I've had several people tell me I should write children's books, I've never felt the passion for that as I have for writing adult or young adult fiction. And, as my second grade teacher may have seen, I tend to lean towards the science fiction/fantasy genre of writing.
So where does that leave me?
Well, after we found out that Alex was going to have to spend time in the hospital (of course we didn't have a clue it would be his entire life), I looked for books. I even went as far as having my cousin, who works for the hospital Alex was in, look in the hospital's library. Did you know there are NO books out there about how to deal with an extended hospital stay? For anyone? I saw a niche that needed to be filled and decided early on after Alex was born that I needed to fill that. I was uniquely suited and (not to be conceited but...) talented to fill it. So I started writing down some ideas for the chapters. And that is about as far as I got.
Until...
I read a blog written about a little girl who, at two months old, went into the hospital. Her parents discovered she has a very rare brain tumor and they are fighting to save this little girl's life. After reading some of the posts, I started feeling a fueling in my heart again. And then today's sermon. I think it is time to look at my ideas again and get working on them.
Unlike my dream to become an author so I could be famous, this dream is so much bigger and all encompassing. If I write this book and it is published, I'm honoring Alex's memory and his struggles by helping other families. To me, it would explain my talent of writing and why I've been so frustrated about being able to move anywhere with my ability. So pray for my project and pray for me. That I'm able to move forward and accomplish what I feel God is calling me to accomplish.
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