Hello all. Just as kind of a heads up: 1) I am a Christian and a Christ follower. I will state my beliefs freely if I feel the need to. 2) I lost my baby about 6 months ago. If some of my posts are dark, this is the reason. I'm still trying to deal with my grief.
My purpose for this blog is not to depress anyone or to show anyone that "I'm better than they are." (I'm not...I'm a sinner just as much as the next person. Anyone can be saved!) I'm simply doing this as a journal to save me pain in the future, what with my carpal and tendon issues.
That being said...
I've had a rough couple of days. I haven't been sleeping well since DH (dear husband) gave me his cold. In addition, yesterday was a REALLY bad day. I was listening to music and started crying so hard I could barely stop. This wore me out so much that despite getting plenty of sleep last night (DH said I was snoring withing 30 minutes), I'm still exhausted. I'm so tired of this. I have a feeling though, that since I was keeping my tears bottled up inside of me for...oh, basically six months, that I'm going to be very down and weepy for the next...who knows how long.
I miss my Alex. It hurts so much sometimes that I can hardly stand it. But other times, I don't even think about him. Then when I realize that I haven't thought about him and wasn't sad, I feel guilty because I think I should be sad...all the time. But we expected it. Alex was sick, so we always kind of knew we would out live him. We were given a miracle of 10 months to get to know him, but deep down, even though I wouldn't admit it, I knew I would lose him. It doesn't make it easier...it doesn't make the pain less...no one should have to pick out caskets for their own children...but it does make the way I grieve different from those women who suddenly loses children without any warning....at least that's my opinion. I am amazed at those angel mommies and angel daddies who suddenly lose a child and have more or they are well balanced.
I'll post more later.
