Self-Sabotage

A friend posted on Facebook that she overcame self-sabotage last night.  Good for her.  I'm not being sarcastic or mean.  I really am happy she got past that.  I on the other hand, will probably never get over self-sabotage.

DH would probably say it is because of my low self-esteem.  Maybe it is.  But it seems like I can't go longer than a few weeks being myself without alienating all but a few.  Those few stick with me, for reasons I think only God knows.

This is how it usually goes.  I meet people (either in real life or online).  Everything goes great for a little bit.  I'm calm and don't show all of myself...keeping some of my crazier habits on the back burner.  Then, trying to be funny, or comforting, I let one of those crazier habits (like being TOO enthusiastic about something or asking people a question and it seems like I'm trying to draw attention to me...who knows...maybe I am) off the back burner and straight onto the table.  Not to the front burner, but to the table.  Burnt, cold, and unfinished as it is.  That is when they start falling away.  Some stick around.  And if I apologize fast enough, more do, but EVERY TIME I do this, I swear that I will not do it the next time.  That I will watch my tongue and my words.  That I will not make enemies of potential friends.

So you might say that if they are like that learning a few unsavory traits of mine, they wouldn't make true friends anyway.  Perhaps.  But I feel like they don't get a chance to really know me.  And if they did, bad traits or not, they would stick around.

Maybe I'm just having a rough day.  I don't know.  But I'm feeling so down in the dumps right now that I can't even begin to think "happy thoughts".  So for now, I'm going to tell myself what I always tell myself and try to move on.  But it won't be long before this will happen again.  It always does.