Don't judge me...

I posted this as another journal entry on another site, but I feel like I need to post it here to.  It is NOT directed to anyone in particular...just a general gripe against the drama that surrounds TTC (trying to conceive).  Some general acronyms before I start...and this will get a little TMI for some people, I'm sure.  :-P

TTC=trying to conceive (trying to have a baby)
IL=in laws
BFP=big fat positive (a positive on a home pregnancy test...I AM NOT PREGNANT RIGHT NOW!)
DH=dear husband

This post is also related to my last one, in that I've just been thinking a lot about Alex's last day and the days following.  As I said before, I am not speaking out against ANYONE...it is just a post about the way I feel when it comes to drama...

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Just because I'm TTC #2 doesn't mean that my heartache isn't as bad as yours.  I NEVER got to have the normal "baby" experience with my little Alex.  He was in the hospital HIS ENTIRE 10 MONTH LIFE.  You think that's not a big deal?  Try driving to the hospital which is 45 min. away every day.  Try calling in the morning to see how the little guy is doing and being told he's fine, only to get there and find out he has pneumonia AGAIN (a total of 6 times, all aspiration pneumonia).  The phone calls of frazzled and anxious nurses who are worried that the little guy won't make it for you to get there to see him.  And finally, the sudden realization that he won't make it.  That you just wasted the entire afternoon not seeing him because you were so afraid of going into his room and seeing him non-responsive, apathetic, breathing hard, and his heartrate above 200.  Holding him as they took away his breathing aparatus and knowing that he was gone.  Crying when  your IL's and your family come in...having to tell them that he was gone.  Planning a funeral and being joyful about the little things, like the fact that despite his late development, he was still too big to be put in the babyland portion of the cemetary.  Knowing he's in heaven with Jesus, but finding it hard to think to much on that last night.

I am not a bad person.  Even if I get a BFP this first month trying, it doesn't mean that you should get upset or "mad" at me for celebrating, because believe me, I'm going to be having tons of worries about my little one without you complaining that I've only been trying a month.

Or maybe I won't and it will take me just as long as it did for Alex, if not longer.  Either way, it doesn't change the fact that though I've had one child already, in reality, I'm hoping that this will be my first normal child.  Because Alex was extra special.  Because God knew what DH and I needed.  And because God knew that we would be the very best parents for Alex.  That doesn't change ANYTHING!